The World as Whinge and Idea

Or, if you fancy yet another alternate reality…

2013-02-07T18:58:34Z

NBC’s ‘Doctor Who’ was originally unsuccessful, albeit gaining enough of a cult following that a letter-writing campaign convinced the network to commission a third season. It was later brought back as a series of movies, leading to several more sequel television series, each featuring a different version of the Doctor:

TV Series
Doctor Who (later known as Doctor Who: The First Doctor)

Doctor Who (cartoon)

Doctor Who: The New Regeneration

Doctor Who: UNIT Trap Nine (controversially all based on Earth)

Doctor Who: Travelle (the Doctor is trapped in ‘D-space’)

TARDIS (later Doctor Who: TARDIS) (a prequel to the first series, about the early days of the Time Lords)

Films
Doctor Who: The Movie

Doctor Who II: Revenge of the Monk

Doctor Who III: The Search for Susan

Doctor Who IV: The Chase Back

Doctor Who V: The Relative Dimension

Doctor Who VI: The Oncoming Storm

Doctor Who: Regenerations (featuring the First and Second Doctors)
Doctor Who: Event One

Doctor Who: Renegade

Doctor Who: Valeyard

Doctor Who (2009) (begins a new timeline based on the First Doctor)

In another dimension, another time and place...

2013-02-07T16:16:09Z

A recent article on an alternative eleven female Doctors as prompted me to dig this idea of mine off a forum.

It's based on the idea that several spoofs/specials we got were echoes of another timeline in which the show was never cancelled:

1990- Season 27 – 14 x 25 minutes. Sylvester McCoy’s last series as the Seventh Doctor. Continues the trend of trying to restore a sense of mystery to the Doctor, but is once again confounded by the BBC trying to schedule it to death.

-

1991 - The first TV movie – 90 minutes. Eager to stop producing the show, the BBC sign off on an American co-production. Paul McGann is cast as the Eighth Doctor and Sylvester McCoy returns to film a regeneration. Thanks to smarter scheduling in America, the show is a hit, and Fox decide to produce regular mini-series.

1992 - Season 28 – 3 x 90 minutes. (The season numbering gets very disputed at this point.)

1993 - Season 29 – 4 x 90 minutes, including the two-part 30th anniversary special ‘The Four Doctors’, Jon Pertwee’s last appearance as the Doctor.

1994 - Season 30 – 3 x 90 minutes. The Eighth Doctor starts to regenerate at the end of his last episode, but his new appearance is not seen.

-

1995 - The infamous ‘Break Year’. For the first time since the show began, no new Doctor Who is broadcast in the UK. Fans panic and predict that the show is doomed...

-

1996 - Season 31 – 6 x 30 minutes. The BBC are persuaded to take the show back in-house by Rowan Atkinson as the Ninth Doctor and Richard Curtis as writer. The Ninth Doctor’s time in the role is lazily known as ‘The Sitcom Years’ due to the new episode/season length, and the writers for the period.

1997 - Season 32 – 6 x 30 minutes, 60 minute Christmas special. Written by Simon Nye. Despite the tabloid headlines, the Doctor does not begin ‘behaving badly’. The first instance of a longer Christmas special for the program.

1998 - Season 33 – 6 x 30 minutes, 60 minute Christmas special. Written by Steven Moffat, writer of Press Gang, Joking Apart and Chalk.

-

1999 - Season 34 – 6 x 30 minutes. Atkinson appears only briefly, and regenerates into the Tenth Doctor, Mark Gatiss, who co-writes the series with Moffat.

-

2000 - Season 35 – 3 x 90 minutes. The decline in ratings after the Atkinson years leads to the BBC deciding to end the program with a series of specials featuring big name actors. In quick succession, Richard E Grant is the Eleventh Doctor, Jim Broadbent the Twelfth and, in a massive Christmas coup, Hugh Grant the Thirteenth and final Doctor, who dies for the last time, saving every reality...

Right up until after the credits, where he regenerates into Joanna Lumley. The BBC issues a statement that they do not intend to produce any more Doctor Who, and that Lumley’s appearance was just an amusing cameo, to indicate that the Doctor’s adventures continue.

2001 - No Doctor Who is produced. Several papers campaign for more to be made with Lumley. The BBC reiterate that they have ended the series.

-

2002 - 90 minutes. The BBC produce one Christmas special with Lumley as the Fourteenth Doctor. It is the highest rated program for the year.

2003 - Season 36a - 2 x 90 minutes. Two more specials with Lumley, for the show’s 40th anniversary.

2004 - Season 36b - 2 x 90 minutes. Another two specials with Lumley. She decides not to make any more, saying “At seven and a half hours, this must be the longest cameo ever!”

-

2005 - Season 37a - 4 x 60 minutes. Arabella Weir is cast as the Fifteenth Doctor. Her companion, Davie McCrimmon (Jamie’s descendant) is played by her friend and massive Doctor Who fan, David Tennant: “I’ve always wanted to be the Doctor, and I’ve offered to have the surgery now required, but they thought I’d be better as Davie”. Four specials are produced to compensate for Lumley’s departure, but ratings drop.

2006 - Season 37b - 2 x 60 minutes. The ratings, while still good, continue to compare unfavourably to the Lumley era. Weir’s contract is not renewed.

-

2007 - Season 38 - 13 x 45 minutes, 60 minute Christmas special. The format is changed to make the show more attractive to overseas markets. Catherine Tate is cast as the Sixteenth Doctor, with David Tennant staying on for this season.

2008 - Season 39 - 13 x 45 minutes, 60 minute Christmas special. Despite concerns about Tate, she proves to be one of the most popular Doctors.

2009 - Season 40 - 7 x 45 minutes, 3 x 90 minute specials. Tate decides to leave.

-

2010 - Season 44 - 13 x 45 minutes, 60 minute Christmas special. Ruth Wilson is cast as the Seventeenth Doctor. Concerns that she is too young for the role are blown away by her first episode ‘Seventeen O’Clock’.

2011 - Season 45 - 13 x 45 minutes, 60 minute Christmas special. Wilson continues in the role, to much acclaim.

2012 - Season 46a - 5 x 45 minutes, 60 minute Christmas special. Heading into the show’s 50th anniversary year, Wilson dismisses any talk of leaving...

Timely and Relevant Diversion in Stats

2012-02-25T19:33:25Z

Longest Gaps Between Doctor Who Episodes

3,225 days from Doctor Who* to Rose
2,394 days from Survival 4 to Doctor Who
525 days from Revelation of the Daleks 2 to The Trial of a Time Lord 1**
303 days from Dragonfire 3 to Remembrance of the Daleks 1
289 days from Logopolis 4 to Castrovala 1
281 days from The Twin Dilemma 4 to Attack of the Cybermen 1
278 days from Time-Flight 4 to Arc of Infinity 1
275 days from The Trial of a Time Lord 14 to Time and the Rani 1
254 days from The King’s Demons 2 to The Five Doctors
245 days from The Greatest Show in the Galaxy 4 to Battlefield 1
231 days from The Horns of Nimon 4 to The Leisure Hive 1***
218 days from Planet of the Dead to The Waters of Mars

(* That’s its name. My spreadsheet, my rules.)
(** The 18 month suspension or ‘cancellation crisis'’. See note above re: naming of Season 23.)
(*** Due to the cancellation of Shada)

It's a Top 12 to show the longest break in the new run. So on 31/07/12 this will become the longest break since the show came back.

If the series doesn't start on or before 20/10/12, the gap will surpass everything except the Top Three cancellation/suspension-related breaks.

Side note - man, Who got messed about in the '80s.

I am the real Derooftrouser. I AM HIM!

2012-01-26T20:18:04Z

So, I wrote a review of Richard Herring's Me1 vs Me2 Snooker podcast, he which liked enough to comment on and link to the twitching remnants of this blog, and so I present the review for the record:

The end of everything
In a culture overly focused on sport, art, mental health, identity, competence and excitement, Herring delivers a hammer blow to all these phantoms that is at once devastating and as gradual as suffocation by an annual grain of rice.

The walls have fallen and the howling void that is not even a void has been revealed. There is no need to ask what we can do after this, as it leaves nothing in which to do anything.

A star rating? Irrelevant by dint of it being the only thing that is relevant.

All the starts that ever were, collapsing into a single point so small that it ceases to be.

Rich is on tour. You should go see him.

E-mail Address to A Haggis

2012-01-25T19:20:52Z

Fair fa' your plastic packet seals
Great chieftain o' the ready meals!
Picked up oan 3-fur-2 type deals,
Wi’ a pasta.
Fer oven cook the film it peels.
Micro’s faster.

Yon tray wi’ random bits o’ sheeps
An’ pre-packed layers o’ tatties, neeps
Placed in yon box with five quick beeps
Ye start tae spin.
And then be left to stand and steep
Fer just wan min.

It says ‘Serves wan, yon pack provides
A fair chunk o’ your daily guides
Of stuff bad fer your poor insides.
Such as ‘sat fat’.
(But no-one in Scotland abides
Who cares ‘boot that.)

And then naebody goes and learns
The five or so lines of Rab Burns
They meant to, so they skip their turns
And huv their drams.
Frae Morningside tae Newon Mearns
And bits wi’ bams.

What did I come in here for again?

2011-09-21T20:46:34Z

Anyway, as I was saying...

Oh, hang on, I just have to nip out again for a bit.

Reasonable rates. Weeping extra.

2011-01-23T12:28:38Z

I went to a wedding. It was fun, I had fun, I would recommend this wedding to anyone of my age. I would also recommend that anyone of my age work out how long it last was since they went a ceilidh, and adjust their dance schedule accordingly. Ow.

Anyway, the most important and moving part of the ceremony was, of course, my reading. A few people asked for an encore on the day, having been distracted by small shouty people, but sadly there was free beer so that didn't happen.

I therefore re-present here:

A Lovely Love Story

by Edward Monkton

The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, HIS cage.

Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur's cage with kind words and loving thoughts.

I like this Dinosaur, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny. He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.

I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice. She is also a free spirit, which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.

But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

He is also overly fond of Things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of Things?

But her mind skips from here to there so quickly thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on Shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?

I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for Things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.

I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thought and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.

Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them.

Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.

And that, my friends, is how it is with love. Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.

For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place.

Le mot juste

2010-12-07T21:29:59Z

Commenting on 'Doctor Who' stories - a guide

2010-10-30T10:36:41Z

Welcome the wonderful world of the Doctor Who comment. I'm sure you're very excited and keen to get on with letting everybody know your opinions, but caution - you can't just go posting any old rubbish, oh no.

You have to pick a particular style of rubbish.

Let's have a look at a few examples, and hopefully you'll be able to find one that suits your own individual borderline personality disorder.

The 'Little Knowledge is a dangerous thing'

Der! Can nobody count? Zero regenerations.

He had 12 regenerations, he's used 11, and the 12th belongs to the Dream Lord / Valeyard.

[Later clarification] One for each transition = 10, plus one for that incident with the hand and Donna = 11.

The 'Presumably Makes Sense to You'

1. the division clearly shows what happens at the "kids table," i'll be avoiding those "ASBO" yammering. for better or (more) worse, Luke's replacement is inevitable -- they're just sidekicks after all.
2. Tegan is ... fighting ~~for~~ Aborigine ~~rights~~ -- her M.O. is to throw everyone under the bus... while having a fit trying to figure out the controls.

The 'Doctor Who is Serious Business'

Either the Doctor must one day address the issue with the dignity it deserves or someone with authority on the matter must relay the information as it is and explain why the regeneration limit has changed. IMHO

The 'Not Angry, Just Disappointed (and Pompous)'

For a writer to have the lead character ambiguously contradict long established canon so flippantly, reflects entirely on the writer.

The 'I Am Apparently Watching a Different Show to Everybody Else'

People watch the Sarah Jane Adventures? No offense to those that enjoy the show, but it seemed like lite beer to me compared to the original series. I like dark full bodied Who, not watered down Who.

The 'Why Am I Surrounded by Imbeciles?'

I love how STUPID people who claim to be reporters are. The line was NOT “How many times can you regenerate” it was “How many times can you CHANGE?” Which is a helluva a lot different from REGENERATE. Romana changed SEVERAL times before settling on a final form for Romana II. And the second Doctor was given a number of choice to change into while being forced to regenerate. Never confuse the facts with the truth. They are so very different. LOL

A medley of the 'Keeping It All in Perspective' and the 'What Are You Really Angry About?'

Way to destroy the complete integrity of the program and jump all over the graves of dozens of hugely talented writers and actors who made Doctor Who what it was.

Not that Russel T Davies didn't manage to do that in his second episode with the fart gags. I've seen dead cats with more writing talent than RTD. The man isn't fit to lick the boots of Robert Holmes or Terrance Dicks (The true creators of Sarah Jane Smith).

Don't worry if none of these styles really suit your TRUE FAN perspective, just have a look at a Doctor Who forum and you'll see dozens more, each as entrenched as the last. If you're very lucky, you might even get to see one line in a spin-off program result in a hundred posts about what counts as 'canon'.

WARNING - When typing you comments, DO NOT imagine them transposed to a different children's show. This will make the whole thing seem a bit silly.

"Trumpton died for me today!"
"This lazy hack of a producer is ruining In the Night Garden!"
"The new Tinky Winky is a pale imitation of his predecessor!"

-

With 'thanks' to:

This Guardian article for the first two examples.
This Den of Geek article for the second two.
This io9 article for the fifth.
SFX for the penultimate.
This other Guardian article for the final crowning example.

Working 9 to 5, and then buggering off

2010-10-29T20:36:16Z

So, today I had to go to a feedback meeting at work regarding the recent employee survey. This was voluntary, in the sense that the manager drew my name and said I had to go. I did indicate the Pyrenees of paper where my desk used to be in an attempt to show that I was slightly busy, but no dice.

The following are my notes. (Mental ones, I didn't bother taking a pad.)

Why is everybody complaining that the Executive Committee are not visible enough? I'm so far down the line it's like the inhabitants of Innsmouth moaning that Cthulhu isn't responding to their black sacrifices.
This table is the shape of the prongs on Galactus' helmet. Hey, I wonder if it could be re-arranged to form a logo for The Wheat?
People aren't understanding the company's goats? Well, they puzzle me too. Oh - goals. This projector is terrible.
We are using ORC's industry salary benchmarks? That explains it. They'd be happy with a pig on a spike and a goblin to bully. Not that I'd say no to a goblin.
The chocolate digestives must be passed to the left, like port.

Conclusion - maybe they should have sent somebody who cares enough to remember what they're getting paid. My only request of the company has always been that, if they sack me, they tell me on the Friday.

I don't want to go ironing a whole week of shirts for no reason.

The Guests of N-space

2010-10-14T18:35:02Z

Today I was asked who the support act for Doctor Who Live is. Good question - here's the short list:

Fake's 7
(The North West's leading Blake's 7 impersonators.)
Nimondance!
TIM's Tomorrow People
(Following the lawsuit, not to be confused with 'The Original Tomorrow People' or 'The New Tomorrow People featuring Todd from Neighbours', both also currently touring.)
The Who
(The promoter got a bit confused.)
Steel
(I know, who would have guessed he'd be the one with the solo career?)
The Shrivenzale of the Year Show
Chucking at Dinosaurs
(Based on the popular TV show 'Hairy Bikers' Cookbook', or possibly 'Primeval'.)
The Reduced Shakespeare Code Company
Quark Side of the Moon
(The galaxy's least comprehensible Pink Floyd tribute.)
Who Cares - The Reunion Tour
(Strangely, they were all available for this.)

Fear of a red nose

2010-10-12T20:43:05Z

People who are scared of clowns - you're not.

Yeah, I'm calling you out on it, Coulrophobes. (Incidentally, use of psuedo-medical jargon is almost always a sign of hypochondria.)

As we head towards Halloween and English people start complaining that 'Trick or Treat'-ing is a recent American import, despite the fact I was guising aged five, the usual iconography of spookiness gets dragged out.

Next to the skeletons, vampires, ghosts and Frankensteins (yes, I know, but that's the term that gets used) and the slutty skeletons, slutty vampires, slutty ghosts and slutty Frankensteins*, we now find the 'scary clown'. And the nearly-unrecognisable tenth-generation mutation of the 'Scream' mask, but that's not relevant.

My point is this - if clowns were in and of themselves scary, you wouldn't need a scary version. You don't get a special 'scary zombie' classification.

You are of course, free to not like clowns, but don't go claiming that their presence trips your custard-pie-fight or flight mechanism. I find Ricky Gervais unfunny and annoying, but I'm not going to pretend he has any psychological hold over me.

Also not a proper fear - Rectopohbia. Before you start, the truth has beaten you to your lazy joke. It is indeed the fear of rectums (recta?). This featured on a list of phobias I was e-mailed, and I don't really see how it can be accurately diagnosed.

"Very good, Mr Smith, now I'm just going to test your reaction when I show you... THIS!"
"Ach, geez!"
"Another one? This is some sort of epidemic!"

So, I'm glad we've sorted that out.For the record, my fear of dianogas remains perfectly valid. I do try not to let it affect my day-to-day life, though.

Also made up - hayfever. You come up with a different excuse for not doing Sports every week like I had to, sniffles.

* I'm not entirely happy with the use of 'slutty' here, but it does seem to be the descriptor of choice for these costumes, and also conveys the rather seedy aura of desperation they generate. Feel free to substitute 'sexy' or even 'empowering' if you want.

Notto lotto point

2010-10-06T19:52:36Z

Observation - all pages on the National Lottery's website end with .ftl

Example - https://www.national-lottery.co.uk/player/p/home.ftl

Conclusion - This could be short for any number of things. It could be Faster Than Light, or Flash Transition Layer, or even the brilliant-sounding-workplace of the Fenestration Testing Laboratory. These are just a few examples I've come up with off the top of my blatant Wikipedia search.

It's certainly not 'For The Lose', oh no.

Coming next month, the all new 'Poor-Grasp-of-Probability-mungous Draw' and 'Statistically Not Worth The Expended Calories' Scratchcard.

There is a call centre, and the call centre is Time

2010-10-05T18:34:23Z

“…Ow! I think your receiver’s a bit sensitive. You’re booming in my ear like nobody’s business. Yes, I’m still holding. If I hang on any longer my phone’ll be so old it’ll be an active trigger, which somewhat defeats the points of phoning you lot.”

“…”

“No, I’m sorry, but this is the number for the forces controlling this dimension, isn’t it? And I do have an irregularity here, don’t I? I believe you have an obligation to handle it. I don’t want to have to go to OFTIME here.”

“…”

“Yeeees. There are only two problems with that appointment. 1 – I don’t think this will wait until Friday. 2 – The fact I’m phoning you rather suggests that there might be life here, doesn’t it? I can’t have Plutonium tramping round the place, messing up my carpet and irradiating the soft furnishings. Who else do you have? I’d like a complete list, please.”

“…”

“Hang on. I only did chemistry at ‘O’ Level, but half of those aren’t even proper elements, are they? Tom Lehrer certainly never sang about them.”

“…”

“Well, yes, they are made of elements, but isn’t that a bit of a cheat? Based on that you could send round Concrete and Beef. All right, I’ll take any two of those. Except Radium, who I noticed you tried to mumble over.”

“…”

“Right. Fine. How many ‘p’s in ‘Sapphire’. Okay. And they’ll both be here by 8:42 tonight, yes?”

“…”

“BECAUSE THAT’S WHEN THE STUFF COMES THROUGH THE THING! Honestly, that’s the whole reason I phoned.”

“…”

“Good. I must say that if wasting time keeps it distracted, I’m sure you’ll be getting a bonus. Oh, one final thing, is there a guarantee on the work? I don’t want to go through all this hassle, just to end up with a horrible fate for all eternity.”

“…”

“Hmm. No, in that case I won’t bother paying the extra. I’m sure nothing all that bad will happen.”

If context is required.

Boring people aren't supposed to know that they're boring. That's their (our) survival mechanism.

2010-10-04T20:45:29Z

I've done stuff! I've actually done stuff! I can write about stuff, because I've done it!

I've done

Dusting
Dominators

All right, so I'm not sure which I'd more like to pay people to do for me, but come on. I'm alternating them, just to keep the 'excitement' 'up'.

Yes, a couple of weeks ago I did go to Leicestershire and drive a hovercraft and paintball tank, but that whole escapade was subject to the First Inverse Law of Anecdotes - the more uncomplicated fun something is, the fewer stories you get out of it. It was fun. I was the youngest there. One night, I managed to get the majority of attendees to stay up until 1am.

The four people still on LJ seem to posting about their work, but I'm very much of the opinion that, as I can't actually be bothered doing it, writing about it is out of the question. No secrets of the S18 returns for you folks, oh no.

Right, I'm absolutely definitely going to come up with a comic conceit for a post. This week. The only things I've made up recently are both alternate time lines for Doctor Who. Not for the fictional universe, for the actual TV production. That's the base level we're looking at here.

Ooh! Ooh! I did come up with the following response to why I'm drinking less and less - "I'm barely using this state of conciousness. Why would I want to spend money on another?"

Ah well, back to dusters and/or Dulcis.

Going out with a bang

2010-09-25T15:26:00Z

Fact - the First Doctor's last words are 'Keep warm'. Epic.

To avoid any such let-downs when I regenerate, I've arranged my final epigrams in advance.

(They're all based on the assumption that I'll be having a big-old New Series regeneration, because they're much more impressive. If I have a Classic lying-on-the-floor job, then I'll probably go with "When did anyone last vacuum under that cupboard?")

Excuse me while I change into somebody a bit more comfortable.
What’s awesome, has two hearts, and goes ‘FWOOOOOOSH’?
Aw, man. This is going to melt all the chocolate in my pocket.
I swear, if one more person corrects my word usage, I’ll literally explode.
Ooh, that is a nasty paper cut.
My only regret is that I bothered shaving this morning.
Good news – despite being shot, I’ve stopped this bomb destroying the Museum of Stained Glass. Bad news – well…
Last one to turn into a flaming column of energy is a complete and utter…
All right, I’ll admit it. That kebab was a mistake.
But… I only just found a jacket that fits.
For my next impression – Krakatoa.
Pull my finger.

Herculean Effort - Minisculean Results

2010-09-15T19:36:37Z

Oh my patronising saints, thinking of stuff to write is hard when you haven't done it for ages.

I can picture the folds of my brain grinding against each other in stuttering motion, gritted up with bits of cartoons and podcasts. This bit is basically the run-up, the perambulatory pre-amble to try and get things moving.

The only idea I've had so far is 'Why do I think that the folds of the brain move about when one thinks?' but that sort of self-referential tosh will just get the Old Grey Girl feeding on herself, until you're left with a handy storage compartment behind your eyes, filled only with the homoeopathic memory of the names of every Doctor Who story.

Right - I'm going to go upstairs, get some laundry, bring it down, put it in the machine and then come back. If the pixies who used to leave me ideas could come back off their year of extended sick leave, that'd be grand. Just stick them on top of that uncashed Premium Bonds prize.

...

Pack of miniature malingerers. I know they've been granting wishes for cash in hand.

Can I get a whole post out of 'staring slack-jawed at the internet'? It is the answer to 'What have you been doing recently?' and 'What are you doing at the moment?' after all. Rocking back and forth inside the giant time amoeba.

No, no I can't. Toodle-oo.

SectarianRail

2010-09-13T20:18:31Z

"Due to a special event on Thursday services may be disrupted. Passengers are also advised to keep their personal belongings with them at all times." - Station Announcement

So, not only can they not bring themselves to say the word 'Pope', but are also implying that the trains will be full of that mob so watch your stuff because you know what they're like.

Actually, I can forgive the Big Man a lot, but possibly delaying my journey home? There is a line, and Rome just crossed it.

iWin

2010-09-10T06:46:36Z

So, after what must be up to a mighty three years, the headphone jack on my first generation iPod touch has packed in. This is not my layman’s opinion, oh no. This is from a certified Apple Genius. Now, obviously they can’t fix it, because… hey look over there at that new thing we’re launching!

They came up with two options:

A like-for like exchange. Cost £170.
10% off a new iPod. Cost of new model with same storage would therefore be £224.

I managed three options, which must make me a Wile E Coyote-style Super-genius:

Buy a replacement headphone jack, a mini-soldering iron and whatever non-Euclidean screwdrivers you need to open the darn thing, and fix it myself. Downside – this would not work.
See about getting one of the previous Generation models cheaply, then either keep the old one to play through speakers, or eBay it to recoup some of the money. Down side – hassle.
Buy one of these headphone amps for £15 that’ll play to headphones through the dock connector.

All right, so that lasts one’s not an official bit of kit, but you would think that the guy in the store could have hinted at the existence of such a thing. This is why the British distrust hyperbole. Call your helpdesk the Genius Bar, it better back that nomenclature up. It’s like the program we use at work called FAST. It makes you such a hostage to fortune that you’re going to get Stockholm Syndrome and start practicing your signature as Mrs Providence.

Part-formed Platform Propositions

2010-09-08T19:28:09Z

Right - note to self. When you get to heaven, make sure to say Hi to everybody there that you recognise.

It's getting bad enough at the train station of a morning, which now seems to be entirely occupied by vague acquaintances who I failed to greet the first time I noticed them there, and now we all have to stand in a type of studious oblivion formation. All right, so maybe I'm the only one plotting the vectors, but it still seems awkward.

Of course, the alternative is to have to do the daily slight upward nod that says "I have recalled your face. This is both the theoretical and practical limit of our interaction."

It'd only be worse in Heaven which, as I understand it, lasts even longer than the wait from the 8:41 being cancelled to the 08:53 arriving, Attack of the Clones and school combined.

My other though while standing at the station was - wouldn't it be a nightmare if you went out with the woman who did the automated station announcements, and then she dumped you? Every day the voice that used to whisper in your ear, coldly announcing the next train at Platform 2 in the same tone she used when pointing out that she bought Seasons 3 & 4 of The Wire, so you couldn't take them.

You'd either have to kill yourself. Or get the bus, if you were really desperate.

Yes, my iPod is broken. They better fix it soon before I start thinking all the time.

Coming soon from Derooftrouser Press

2010-09-05T21:02:43Z

Half an Hour Amongst the Heather - The West Highland Way by Rocket Pack
The Power of Positive Punching
List-Padding for the Lazy - Volume I
List-Padding for the Lazy - Volume II
Pole Position - The Completely Unauthorised Biography of St Simeon Stylites

Baby steps...

2010-09-04T10:21:52Z

So, blogging. It's like Donut Plains 1 in Super Mario World for the SNES - you never forget how to do it.

I came up with that simile last weekend while trying to ride a bike for the first time in about twenty years. Which I can totally sort of still do.

Thankfully it was a girl's bike, so every time I tried to simultaneously slow down and turn, and promptly put my feet down and lurched forward off the saddle, there wasn't any cross bar to 'interrupt my progress', if you know what I mean.

I mean 'hit me in the testicles'. I can't remember how much credit I can give my hypothetical readers.

From memory of actually writing things, the main problem is that you can start to pick up the style of whoever you're reading at that time. I have cunningly prepared for my return by failing to read anything substantial for ages. So the problem is... not bad. Other problem may maybe be bad, though.

All right, so I do occasionally re-read a chapter of À rebours, but as that's about a well-off layabout who retreats from society and obsessively indulges in short-lived hobbies while complaining about his health, I think there's a fair chance that a time-travelling Huysmans ripped me off.

Housekeeping - I need new icons. In an attempt to stretch the topics I might write about, I've even deleted the Doctor Who Toys one, that 'much'-'loved' sign of 'quality'. So no 'how many unopened Doctor Who figures were found when tiding up the dining room?' for you LJ people.

(The Delgado Master and Axon don't count. They've been opened, but put back in the box as it has a nice Axos-themed diorama for a backgr... damn.)

Click clickclick clickclickclickclickclickclick

2010-09-03T17:45:27Z

Startup... MULTIPLE ERRORS
Primary power... FAILURE
Secondary Power... CATASTROPHIC FAILURE
Wit... NOT FUNCTIONING
Topics... NOT FOUND
Heatsink... OK

Oh, yes indeedy! this b to the log is back, people!

Yes, all evening, why do you ask?

2009-09-03T19:38:17Z

What's the difference between 'thinking a promo picture for a Pokemon game looks like a scene from a '70s cop show', and 'thinking a promo picture for a Pokemon game looks like a scene from a '70s cop show so you'd better knock up a teaser and some titles'?

The answer - GENIUS.

You'll have had your doom

2009-08-17T19:27:16Z

[The electrification of the Glasgow – Edinburgh line] will also create a new rail and tram interchange station at Gogar. - BBC News

But what if it rouses Gogar from his aeons-long slumber? What good will thirteen services an hour do us if we must once again toil under the yoke of Gogar? The Age of Gogarwas an abomination, and all free men of the central belt should oppose the foul works of the Black Cult of Gogar, or 'Network Rail' to use its new façade.

Oh, apparently it's an Edinburgh commuter town. Well I'd never heard of it.